need plan to sabotage my tendency to self sabotage

revelations

Happy day before new years eve everyone.

Today I”m feeling a bit glum.  It’s been a hard year- one of which has resulted in a long chain of self-sabotage.  As I catch wind of the results of the final (hopefully final) thing I did not apply to for no good reason, I am fed up.  I know life has been mean, but never have I been THIS outwardly destructive to PAINTING.  Or have I?  Now I just don’t know.  Maybe I was oblivious to myself until life trauma knocked me more self aware.  

Does anyone know anything real deep and revealing about self sabotage? Anyone have a quick fix that’s more elaborate than simply “getting over it” or “working harder.”  Obviously this is a symptom of something much sludgier – something that smells of low self worth, and I just won’t have it.

 

Here is a sketch of my nephew I did the other day

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here’s a shot of my studio looking a lil cray.Image

 

A gift from me to you:

ImageThe world’s easiest homemade cleaner recipe:

1 part vinegar 

1 part water

spiced up with some drops of essential oils. 

I used sweet orange, but tell me, oil—water? The whole separation thing… (see picture below)  Um…

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’tis a few days after xmas

making things, real life stuff

Hello internet!  I hope everyone made a merry Christmas for themselves.  Mine was very pleasant.  –I’m the proud new owner of a vitamix.  feel free to come over to mi casa for all your mixing needs!

–Now I’m trying to get my ducks in a row, eggs in their baskets, trash in the can … all that good stuff, so I can enter 2014 fresh faced, fluffy feathered and full of fire.  Just you wait!

Until then, here are some shots of the New Years cards I’ve been getting together for everyone. I feel awestruck and unworthy of all the acts of love around me.  I wish I could adequately express my gratitude.  So, here’s a small attempt. (stamp designed by my beautiful and talented sister michelle – she also happens to be my favorite graphic designer! – check out her blog here)

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 Stamped Brutto

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WHAT I LEARNED TODAY WHILE STRETCHING:

Needs opening: my hips / my chest

Needs strengthening: my fingers / my toes

Further notes: Un-clench me butt cheeks and tighten me abs instead.

GREAT QUOTE!:

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

Step 3: give up trying to tame the beast (let wild things run free so they can find their fellow)

revelations

Since life is starting to feel like failed capture after failed capture of my crazy, it’s best I let the beast run free.  I’m finding myself clench fisted and anxious/tense—-feeling like I HAVE to be making something, anything. There is really no reason to flagellate myself or be ashamed for my frisky.  New solution for optimum crazy-coping: let wild things run free so they can find their fellow crazy.

and so today I feel much more calm.

dis body neeeds some yoga.  Balance = strength and flexibility.  I keep forgetting…

ms joni mitchell on painting and music and poetry.  thank you joni for being real.  words can’t describe ))dare to be yerself((

PAINTING is rejuvination
POEM is aspirin (at best)
MUSIC is a mystery

–pure wisdom–

And a sample of exciting t-shirts to come!

Screen Shot 2013-12-16 at 3.55.27 PM

step 2: tame the wild beast (within) or at least get him working for you

revelations

Had a really great painting salon-convo with Hannah and Will two nights ago.  We each talked about our goals and  struggles —  really lit up the ol’ belly fire.  Will even sacrificed a painting (death by ax).

…the most pressing question of the evening: —- “What are you afraid of?”—- wasn’t asked of me then, but it’s been reeling in my mind ever sense.  Time to start chasing fear instead of standing oblivious or running from it.  Wish me luck.

It is so great to find people who you can discuss your process with.  essential.  yummm.  …..if we’re all running towards the same fears… maybe we build up a lil power in numbers?  that sort of thing.

I’m still overwhelmed with ideas.  — which makes for some real compulsive creation! ….or for today- narrowing down the broader categories of my interests/ultimate major goals.  Anyhoo, so far I’ve got:

ART

LOVE

GETTING BY (who am I kidding, THRIVING)

I would like these three things to be come interconnected in a lil’ synergy triad thinga-mahjig. — Also coming to terms with the fact that I have to make things/art to stay sane (or at least “functional” in this world).  It’s the only way.  I have too many damn feelings–gotta direct them towards something.   Trying to worry more about making myself feel good than anything else.  I’m a sassy brat and very badly behaved, so it’ll be a solid challenge to pin down and befriend my inner beasts.

meanwhile–HAPPY SATURDAY NIGHT!

step 1b – consolidate *?*

revelations

seems cruel chaos has taken the lead yet again.  …and the antidote for living in what feels like one continuous scorpio sting….?

bLoggiNg (among other things)

I’ve been feeling an overwhelming stop-up of me creative juices (the problem being too many ideas and too many thoughts about these ideas–is it even possible?: paralyzingly OVER INSPIRED).  Doubting and questioning all my creative pasts and wondering how they will begin to weave into one another.  What should I nurture, what should I leave behind?

The best solution I can think of now is “smoosh”.  Don’t get rid of anything, just pack it all together big ol’ tasty rice ball style.  Chronicle everything in one place so I (and maybe a few wanderers of the interweb) can see more clearly how things connect/are moving along.  If i don’t end up maintaining this little venture, well then rats — Truth being, I often fall victim to the fleeting fancy of my whimsical heart/mind…sigh…

otherwise,  Welcome to the b(l)og of my mind////returnedGreetings world///

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capture (trap), 3 ft x 3 ft, acrylic and latex on stretched canvas, 2013

a new painting!  available to purchase in my online store ❤

venus fly trap tattoo

venus fly trap tattoo on ms hannah

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starting to work with crowds.  spooky…